How lovely are thy branches

Lessons learned by a pyromaniacal jew this post-holiday season:

• Christmas trees do, in fact, burn well


• But only briefly ... the needles burn off like they're covered in hairspray, the rest of the tree stays behind


• Trees with a little tinsel left on them are preferable. The tinsel goes off like a string of firecrackers


• Trees with ornaments should be avoided. They will probably blind you with exploding shrapnel


• Trees with the angel still on top ... man, even jews find that too angsty


• If you want to toast marshmellows over a burning christmas tree, be quick. Also be ready for turpentine flavored smores


• Lighter fluid ... really just overkill


• If you run out of christmas trees, trying to substitute various leafy trees will not work. Walk away gracefully


• People who water their christmas trees are no fun